It's the cognitive dissonance that makes leaving a narcissist even harder.

Cognitive dissonance is that deep inner conflict that happens when someone shows you two completely different sides of themselves — kindness and cruelty, charm and manipulation, affection and abuse. One moment, they're loving, attentive, even generous. The next, they're cold, dismissive, deceitful, or outright cruel. This contradiction creates mental and emotional chaos. You begin to question your own perception: *Are they good or bad?* *Did I overreact?* *Was it really that hurtful?*

That confusion becomes a trap.

Most people struggle to reconcile the idea that someone who can do such genuinely nice things is also capable of doing such hurtful, damaging things. So, to reduce the pain and confusion, they cling to the positive moments — the version of the narcissist who was charming, affectionate, and “good.” Believing in *that* version feels safer than facing the painful truth that both sides are real, and that the good is often a carefully calculated manipulation.

This is one of the reasons people stay — not because they’re weak, but because they’re human. Hope is powerful. The narcissist’s rare moments of warmth are like emotional breadcrumbs that keep you chasing something that never fully arrives. If narcissists were all bad, all the time, it would be easy to walk away. But they know exactly when to sprinkle in just enough sugar to keep you bonded — to keep you second-guessing yourself instead of them.

The truth is: consistency reveals character. And when the bad consistently outweighs the good, no matter how sweet the sugar, it’s still poison.