Many of you know that these words are part of my journey, ever changing but real.

From the outside looking in, it would appear that I have it all together, able to conquer anything.

But it was always just smoke and mirrors that I had made myself believe.

It wasn’t real, maybe it never had been.

All the proclamations of self love, all the zealous promises of strength?

That is what I wanted to believe- what I hoped the world would see.

None of it was true.

Deep down in places I didn’t want to feel were the truths I never wanted to face.

But life has a funny way of making you face your demons, one way or another.

Painful, raw and real, it was the most powerful truth that I had ever faced:

I was broken and had been for some time.

I couldn’t hide from it nor convince myself of anything different.

It wasn’t going away.

I had to either confront the reality of who I was or quit.

And I’m never the one to give up.

I’ve got to unearth those wounds that I’ve hidden all my life.

I have to be willing to face the pain if I want any real chance of healing.

I can’t keep going on pretending like everything is okay when it’s not.

The people I’ve hurt, the lies I’ve told, the image I tried to project?

They were all just to protect me from the reality of who I had become.

The lies I told myself to feel better about what I was doing and who I really was.

I can’t live that lie anymore.

That ends here and now.

I don’t care how badly it hurts, how long it takes or how hard the road I have to travel is…

I have to be willing to let go of the terrible person that I’ve been to embrace the person I know I can become.

It’s not for anyone but me because it will be a very lonely road…

But it’s necessary.

I can never undo the pain I’ve caused or make amends to the people I’ve hurt.

I only have what’s in front of me now.

It’s me vs me.

As I submerge all of the person that was into the water, I seek only to wash away all that I have been to start anew.

To build back a good person where the remnants of a truly broken and bleeding person was.

I do it for so many reasons:

For me, for them, for hope.

To know that I can emerge from the depths able to rise again.

It’ll hurt, it’ll be hard and it won’t be easy.

But then, nothing worth having or becoming ever is.

As the sun rises to a new day, my eyes look out over the horizon and see so many things:

The possibilities, the promise, the hope.

But what I see that perhaps I’ve never seen before is the chance…

To finally become the person that I was meant to become all this time.

And at the edge of the darkness does the slightest stirring arise with a whisper:

“You can do this.”

Wiping away the tears steaming down my face, I nod.

I’m meant for more, but this is the battle of my life, for my life.

I have a promise to keep.

To myself, to you, to anyone who ever believed in me only to be hurt and disappointed.

No more excuses, no procrastination and lies that I tell myself.

See you on the other side, my friends.

It’s time to stop talking and start walking.

The change starts with me.

The change starts now.

This time, I can’t fail.

My life depends on it.

|ravenwolf