Let’s talk about something a lot of people experience but don’t always have the words for.
You ever walk away from a conversation thinking,
“Wait… how did I end up apologizing when I was the one upset?”
Congratulations. You may have unknowingly participated in the Four D’s Championship Round. Not a sport. No medals. Just confusion and emotional whiplash.
The Four D’s are patterns many people notice in toxic or narcissistic relationship dynamics. Once you see them, it’s kind of like spotting a magician’s trick—you can’t unsee it.
Let’s break it down.
1. Deny – “That Never Happened.”
Ah yes, the classic.
You bring up something that clearly happened. You remember it. The timeline is clear. The receipts are practically glowing.
And suddenly…
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“I never said that.”
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“You’re exaggerating.”
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“You’re remembering it wrong.”
Sir. Ma’am. The event literally happened on Tuesday at 8:42 PM.
This is where gaslighting often shows up. The goal isn’t really to prove anything—it’s to make you doubt your own memory and judgment.
And the wild part? Over time, people start second-guessing themselves like:
“Wait… am I the dramatic one here?”
No. You’re not. You’re just standing in a conversation where reality is being edited in real time.
2. Deflect – The Conversation Gymnastics Routine
You say:
“That really hurt me.”
They hear:
“Time to change the subject and make this about you.”
Suddenly the conversation looks like this:
You: “I felt disrespected.”
Them: “Well what about the time you did that thing three months ago?”
And just like that, the topic has teleported.
Deflection is basically emotional dodgeball. The goal is to avoid accountability at all costs.
It’s impressive in a weird way. If avoidance were an Olympic event, some people would be undefeated.
3. Devalue – The Slow Confidence Drain
This is where things start shifting.
Early in the relationship, you’re amazing. Incredible. The best thing ever. Practically a walking miracle.
Then gradually…
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Little digs.
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Subtle comparisons.
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Backhanded compliments.
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Criticism disguised as “honesty.”
Suddenly you’re wondering why you don’t feel like yourself anymore.
That’s not random. Devaluation slowly chips away at your confidence so you start trying harder to “earn” the same treatment you used to get for free.
Spoiler alert:
You didn’t change. The dynamic did.
4. Discard – The Plot Twist Nobody Deserved
Then comes the moment that feels like emotional whiplash.
After everything—time, memories, effort—suddenly they detach, pull away, or move on like the relationship was just a short-term subscription.
And you’re left sitting there thinking:
“Wait… how did we go from ‘forever’ to this so fast?”
Here’s the hard truth many people eventually realize:
Sometimes people don’t leave when things end.
They leave when they’ve already lined up their next source of attention, validation, or control.
Not always—but often enough that survivors notice the pattern.
And yes, it’s confusing. Because you were playing the relationship like it mattered.
They were playing a different game.
The Thing Nobody Tells You
Here’s the part that deserves more airtime.
Recognizing the Four D’s is usually the moment where people start getting their clarity back.
Because once you see the pattern, a lot of things suddenly make sense:
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Why conversations felt exhausting
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Why you kept explaining yourself
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Why you felt like you were losing confidence over time
You weren’t “too sensitive.”
You were responding to a confusing dynamic.
Big difference.
The Real Power Move
The goal isn’t just spotting the Four D’s.
The real glow-up is when you start responding differently:
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You stop arguing with denial.
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You stop chasing after deflection.
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You stop internalizing devaluation.
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And when discard happens… you stop blaming yourself.
Because here’s a little truth with just a pinch of sarcasm:
Anyone can play games with someone’s emotions.
But emotionally healthy people don’t need four strategies to avoid accountability.
They just communicate like adults.
Wild concept, I know.
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