I Didn’t Get a Soft Start — But I’m Giving Myself a Soft Landing

 

Sometimes I sit with this question longer than I probably should:

Who would I have become if I hadn’t spent years cleaning up messes I didn’t make?

If love had been gentle instead of something I had to earn.
If home had felt safe instead of strategic.
If I had grown in peace instead of perfecting the art of walking on eggshells.

Would I trust more?
Would my shoulders sit lower?
Would joy feel like something I recognize instead of something I cautiously borrow?

It’s a heavy thought — grieving a version of yourself that never got the chance to exist. Not because you failed. Not because you weren’t worthy. But because you were handed survival when you deserved softness.

Some of us didn’t grow up learning how to rest.
We learned how to read a room.
How to anticipate moods.
How to shrink, adjust, adapt.

We became strong before we ever got to be safe.

And here’s the savage little truth wrapped inside that sadness:
Survival builds resilience — but it also leaves bruises.

It’s not fair that some people get nurtured while others get hardened. It’s not fair that some people breathe easy while others are wired for impact. You’re allowed to acknowledge that. You’re allowed to say, “That wasn’t okay.”

But here’s what matters more than the “what if.”

You’re still here.

Still becoming.
Still healing.
Still rising.

That is not small. That is not accidental. That is strength refined by fire — even if you’re tired of being the flame-retardant version of yourself.

Maybe you didn’t get the soft start you deserved. Maybe your early chapters were chaos, confusion, and constant bracing for impact. But here’s the shift:

You don’t have to keep living like the battle is still happening.

You can choose gentleness now.
You can choose boundaries now.
You can choose nervous-system-deep peace now.

And maybe the most powerful thing you’ll ever do isn’t becoming the person you “could have been”…

It’s becoming someone who says,
“I deserved better — and I’m going to give it to myself.”

You didn’t get a soft start.

But you can give yourself the softest landing.

And that?
That’s healing in its highest form. 💛