You ever notice how sometimes the thing you’re most afraid of… is the exact thing you accidentally create?
Yeah.
That’s a fun little realization, isn’t it? 😏
I recently read that abandonment trauma can lead you to sabotage relationships as a way of affirming your fears.
And somewhere, a whole lot of people just whispered…
“Well, damn.”
Because when you've been abandoned, rejected, betrayed, ignored, ghosted, or made to feel like you weren't enough, your brain can start treating abandonment like a foregone conclusion.
So instead of waiting to see what happens, you start looking for evidence.
They took too long to text back?
“They’re losing interest.”
Their tone sounded different?
“Yep. Here we go again.”
They need some space?
“Cool. They’re leaving.”
Someone gets close?
“Better push them away before they get the chance to hurt me.”
And sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it.
We test people.
We pull away.
We become cold.
We pick fights over things that aren't really the issue.
We overthink every word, pause, facial expression and punctuation mark.
We expect people to leave, so we start preparing for it.
And sometimes, we leave first.
Not because we don't care.
Because somewhere deep down, we've learned that being abandoned hurts less when we can convince ourselves we chose it.
But here's the part nobody likes to hear:
Your fear isn't always your intuition.
Sometimes it's an old wound wearing an intuition costume.
And that's a pretty important distinction.
Because not every delayed text is rejection.
Not every disagreement means the relationship is ending.
Not every change in someone's mood has something to do with you.
And not everyone who loves you is secretly preparing to hurt you.
Sometimes people are just tired.
Busy.
Human.
And yes, occasionally people really are acting shady. 😂
The goal isn't to ignore red flags or convince yourself that everything is fine when it isn't.
The goal is learning to stop turning every yellow light into a five-alarm fire.
If you've been hurt before, your nervous system may be trying to protect you with an outdated survival plan.
It says:
“Leave before they leave.”
“Don't get too attached.”
“Don't trust them.”
“Expect the worst.”
“See? I told you they'd leave.”
And then your brain gets to feel very proud of itself for being “right.”
Meanwhile, you're standing there wondering why relationships keep ending the same way.
Sometimes healing means learning to pause before reacting.
Ask yourself:
“What actually happened?”
Not:
“What am I afraid this means?”
Those are two VERY different questions.
And maybe, just maybe, the person in front of you deserves the opportunity to be judged by their behavior, rather than the behavior of everyone who hurt you before them.
You don't have to ignore your instincts.
You don't have to tolerate bad behavior.
You don't have to become naive.
You just don't have to keep making innocent people pay the emotional debt of people who hurt you.
Because eventually, you deserve relationships where you don't have to constantly prepare for the door to slam.
And maybe the biggest plot twist of all is realizing:
Someone leaving you in the past doesn't mean everyone gets to leave you in the future.
Sometimes the work isn't learning how to make people stay.
Sometimes it's learning how to believe that you'll be okay even if someone doesn't.
And THAT is a whole different kind of security.
Also… if you read this and immediately thought of somebody else:
Congratulations. 😂
Now go back and read it like it might be about you.
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