Sunday, August 29, 2010

Marriage Preparation Classes

Hi everyone.
Sorry, I haven't been on for a week or so.  Been crazy busy.  With the start back of school, doing my partylite business and just basically living everyday life  LOL
So now on day 3 of marriage preparation classes.  This has been a huge help to me. As you know from my previous posts., I have been struggling with this whole marriage thing and my fear of life long committment.  I would so recommend these pre cana classes to anyone
I was dreading them before I went.  (Taking the wrong mental approach and viewing this as another chore)
I just learned so much from it.  It was awesome.
Will post more later tonight
Off to final day of class

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Positive Inspiration of the Day

If it is to be than it is up to me

It is up to me to change my desitiny

Sorry, I haven't posted much lately, I have been super, dooper busy.  Feeling much better though..  Been really working on building my partylite business.  I think alot of my problems now come from the crazy office I work in.
Let me out of this 9 to 5 rat race  :-)  sittiing around negativity all day long with grown adults screaming at each other is so depressing
Life is just too short

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13th LOL. Still struggling with emotional issues from yesterday ARGHH

Friday the 13th!!! LOL.  As you read yesterday, I am struggling a bit emotionally here with the whole marriage thing again. What is wrong with me??  Sometimes I feel like I fight my inner self consistently.  :-)  It should not be this hard to maintain balance.  I have been flipping back and forth between 2 books  (The Dance of Fear and Getting  Past OK) 
Am I just searching too hard for perfection??  There is no such thing as perfection and I know that 
So what am I searching for??
I don't have a bad life but yet I always yearn for more.  Isn't that selfish when there are so many people out there suffering through such tragedy?
Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have?  It's not bad  :-(
but I know if it's to be, it is up to me
Going to go back to the whole committment thing again,  "Committed doesn't mean you have, it means you chose to and you are going to stick with it"


Any input would be appreciated  :-)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What is Committment

Ok  -  so as you saw from my earlier post-  I am struggling today.
After my last post earlier today, I really felt smothered here in my house and had to get out.  I called my cousin up and asked her to meet me out.  We drove over to a little hole in the wall bar to watch the Ravens first preseason game.  I had one glass of wine and talked with her and I stopped after one glass of wine.  I didn't want anymore  (which is really unusual for me) but we had a nice talk.
Than the oddest thing happened, a girl came into the bar (whom both my cousin and I grew up with)  All of us had really rough childhoods but my cousin and I survived ours.  We wanted better and we worked really hard in our lives to get where we are today.  (we are both in our early thirties)  so the girl comes in the bar (also in her early thirties but you could tell that she succumbed to her childhood)  She was strung out on drugs, looked way older than her years and was just a real mess. 
She came over and was talking to us and all I was thinking in my head  "That could have been me"

My cousin and I thought of a quick excuse to get away from her.  The girl was trouble.  After I left my cousin, I just drove for a while listening to music and just trying to focus.  I am so glad I survived my childhood and didn't succumb to it.  I have so many blessings but I need to get past the point of being just "OK" and I really need to figure out this marriage thing quick.

so I came home and just read some.  Of course, I always read on the issues that I am struggling with.
Am I really just afraid of this or is it just not enough??
What is committment?

A committment is a conscious choice to live your life with some sort of structure- to make a choice today about how you will live in the future. 
I need to make a clear, conscious choice.

Am I not backing out of this marriage because I really want it?  Am I afraid to be alone?  Am I afraid to feel like an ass backing out now when so many people have put so much effort? or do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

I just don't know!!!!  but I can't wait too long to figure this out. 

I am watching right now as 2 of my friends are having affairs because their marriages are so unhappy.  I don't want that  (Not that I would do that because I would end the marriage first) at least I think I would but I guess I wouldn't know until I was in that situation

Questioning my Wedding Date

Oh No.  I am thinking this journey to self discovery is really making me re-evaluate everything in my life.  I am having a bad mental day today.  I have been doing so good physically.  I haven't really been drinking any alcohol.  (haven't had any in weeks)  I have been running, hanging out with friends, spending lots of quality time with my daughter and for the first time in forever, my mind is really clear  (Note; not that I was ever an alcholic but I would often have glasses of wine in the evening to relax or whenever I was feeling stressed so I guess you could say the tendency was there)  I read alot now and I run alot now.  I run almost everynight.  (Now, I have to ask myself, what am I trying to run to?)  I have been on vacation from work this week and spent some awesome time with my daughter.  We went to 6 flags, we went to the movies to see Step Up in 3D  (that was really awesome) but it really made me think.
They said some powerful quotes about life and what you want in life and to strive to get it..
Sorry if I am rambling but I just keep looking at my fiance today and thinking "Do I really want this marriage" 
It seems that the harder I work for self improvement, the more content he is to do less and sit back and just watch me work harder and him work less.  Oh no, this isn't what I want.  I don't want to be his mother.  I want someone to stand beside me.
Now, I am in a real pickle.  All this stuff for the wedding is booked etc.  The wedding is 10/10/10 and I don't know if this is for me and I don't know how to get out of it without breaking my mother's heart completely.    OH-  I am stressing terribly.

The more I am around him this week, the less I am wanting this marriage.  I don't want to blow up because I don't know if I am just being hormonal or having cold feet.  It bothers me that he is content to sit back and watch me work my mortgage processing job, selling my partylite product and doing my stock trading, raising my daughter and his while she is here etc and when I talk to him about bringing extra income into the house etc (Note:  He does work everyday but isn't a go getter like me)  He just says that he is working on it.  Really????  This line is getting really old now because he has been using it for like 2 years now and getting nothing accomplished.

I don't want to bash him.  I have been with him for 6 years and he has been here for me through some really tough times.  Now, I feel like I am outgrowing him and I am very scared.    He has many good qualities but tends to be on the lazy side and he is has a daughter outside of our relationship.  I have one and he has one.  We have none together and I don't plan on it.  He is not a hands on father to his own daughter.  He is to mine but not to his and that really bothers me.  I think he is to mine simply because he wants me.  Now I just don't know what to do

Bad mental health day for me today.  On a good note, the stress lead me to a double run today.  I am getting more physically fit by the day :-)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The quality of relationships and friendships

The quality of your relationships has alot to do with your own self-acceptance and self-esteem.  Raising them tends to automatically raise the quality of your relationships

Accepting yourself for who you are automatically improves your life to a certain degree

The above quotes are what I am studying now.  I have been feeling so good.  Life is going so right for me right now  (almost too good that it makes me nervous)   If you have followed this blog from the beginning, you know I have had some bad days since I started my journey to a happier, more fulfilling life.  LOL. 

I don't know what to say other than when you change people , places and things and your way of thinking (and believe me, that is the toughest part)  I still battle everyday with my inner self.  I feel like I have that little devil on one shoulder and the little angel on the other and my mind is right between them.  I feel the best that I have in years.  and I am being so honest with that.  (Now, don't get me wrong, I am consistently reading self help books)  I have read probably about 10 in the past couple months.

Oddly enough, the better I feel, the more people want to be around me.  I never realized how many people truly like me and love to be around me.  My goodness, My text messaging goes off all day long anymore.  I realize now that people do truly love to be around me. 

Of course, I have changed some of my own relationships.  There were a few people in my life that I feel brought me down and I have since distanced myself from those people and you know what I just feel better.  I can't describe.  The energy, the happier and the overall just improvement in the quality of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days but I have good relationships and friendships in my life now and that is so important.

Since I can't ever change the past, have to just work on changing the future  :-)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Empowerment- Key to Loving Life

For nine nights, light a candle and repeat this

As a blessed child of god, I am empowered to create miracles.

I have the power to make positive changes in my life, I will take the first step today by (fill in the blank- What is the first step you are going to take to make positive changes)

I have the power to achieve my worthiest goals.  Today, I will begin my journey to success by (fill in the blank-  Write it down)

I am grateful for my life.  I am especially thankful for  (fill in the blank-  What are you thankful for-  NO PESSIMISM)

The greatest gift I can give is to help others.  How can I help others??  (while of course, practicing healthy selfishness-  which I talked about in previous posts)

This is just a positive thinking exercise; Believe in yourself and know there is no such thing as impossible

Harness the Positive Energy of Candles