Thursday, August 12, 2010

What is Committment

Ok  -  so as you saw from my earlier post-  I am struggling today.
After my last post earlier today, I really felt smothered here in my house and had to get out.  I called my cousin up and asked her to meet me out.  We drove over to a little hole in the wall bar to watch the Ravens first preseason game.  I had one glass of wine and talked with her and I stopped after one glass of wine.  I didn't want anymore  (which is really unusual for me) but we had a nice talk.
Than the oddest thing happened, a girl came into the bar (whom both my cousin and I grew up with)  All of us had really rough childhoods but my cousin and I survived ours.  We wanted better and we worked really hard in our lives to get where we are today.  (we are both in our early thirties)  so the girl comes in the bar (also in her early thirties but you could tell that she succumbed to her childhood)  She was strung out on drugs, looked way older than her years and was just a real mess. 
She came over and was talking to us and all I was thinking in my head  "That could have been me"

My cousin and I thought of a quick excuse to get away from her.  The girl was trouble.  After I left my cousin, I just drove for a while listening to music and just trying to focus.  I am so glad I survived my childhood and didn't succumb to it.  I have so many blessings but I need to get past the point of being just "OK" and I really need to figure out this marriage thing quick.

so I came home and just read some.  Of course, I always read on the issues that I am struggling with.
Am I really just afraid of this or is it just not enough??
What is committment?

A committment is a conscious choice to live your life with some sort of structure- to make a choice today about how you will live in the future. 
I need to make a clear, conscious choice.

Am I not backing out of this marriage because I really want it?  Am I afraid to be alone?  Am I afraid to feel like an ass backing out now when so many people have put so much effort? or do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

I just don't know!!!!  but I can't wait too long to figure this out. 

I am watching right now as 2 of my friends are having affairs because their marriages are so unhappy.  I don't want that  (Not that I would do that because I would end the marriage first) at least I think I would but I guess I wouldn't know until I was in that situation

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