Thursday, August 12, 2010

Questioning my Wedding Date

Oh No.  I am thinking this journey to self discovery is really making me re-evaluate everything in my life.  I am having a bad mental day today.  I have been doing so good physically.  I haven't really been drinking any alcohol.  (haven't had any in weeks)  I have been running, hanging out with friends, spending lots of quality time with my daughter and for the first time in forever, my mind is really clear  (Note; not that I was ever an alcholic but I would often have glasses of wine in the evening to relax or whenever I was feeling stressed so I guess you could say the tendency was there)  I read alot now and I run alot now.  I run almost everynight.  (Now, I have to ask myself, what am I trying to run to?)  I have been on vacation from work this week and spent some awesome time with my daughter.  We went to 6 flags, we went to the movies to see Step Up in 3D  (that was really awesome) but it really made me think.
They said some powerful quotes about life and what you want in life and to strive to get it..
Sorry if I am rambling but I just keep looking at my fiance today and thinking "Do I really want this marriage" 
It seems that the harder I work for self improvement, the more content he is to do less and sit back and just watch me work harder and him work less.  Oh no, this isn't what I want.  I don't want to be his mother.  I want someone to stand beside me.
Now, I am in a real pickle.  All this stuff for the wedding is booked etc.  The wedding is 10/10/10 and I don't know if this is for me and I don't know how to get out of it without breaking my mother's heart completely.    OH-  I am stressing terribly.

The more I am around him this week, the less I am wanting this marriage.  I don't want to blow up because I don't know if I am just being hormonal or having cold feet.  It bothers me that he is content to sit back and watch me work my mortgage processing job, selling my partylite product and doing my stock trading, raising my daughter and his while she is here etc and when I talk to him about bringing extra income into the house etc (Note:  He does work everyday but isn't a go getter like me)  He just says that he is working on it.  Really????  This line is getting really old now because he has been using it for like 2 years now and getting nothing accomplished.

I don't want to bash him.  I have been with him for 6 years and he has been here for me through some really tough times.  Now, I feel like I am outgrowing him and I am very scared.    He has many good qualities but tends to be on the lazy side and he is has a daughter outside of our relationship.  I have one and he has one.  We have none together and I don't plan on it.  He is not a hands on father to his own daughter.  He is to mine but not to his and that really bothers me.  I think he is to mine simply because he wants me.  Now I just don't know what to do

Bad mental health day for me today.  On a good note, the stress lead me to a double run today.  I am getting more physically fit by the day :-)

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