The men with unhealed childhood trauma become the "nice guy" who are usually very defensive, mean, selfish & will shut down completely in a romantic relationship, but they're considered "nice guys" to everyone else outside their personal relationship. Because they wear a facade/mask in front of everyone, but the mask eventually falls off with their partner. Their partner ends up being the only one that sees the "nice guy's" true colors. (If you feel called out, then you have work to do on yourself.)
These wounds typically come from how these men were raised. This mindset was taught to them by their parents or other influential people in their life. So having this mindset is not exactly his fault & he should never be ashamed of it, but it is his job to work on it or he'll end up sabotaging every relationship he has in the future.
But as a result, talking out problems with his partner become extremely difficult, because he probably avoided expressing his feelings when he was younger & now he does it as an adult too. That's because someone told him that feelings are weak, masculine/alpha men don't cry or show any emotions etc.
This is why most women will appear drained & exhausted when they're in a relationship with unhealed men. Because she can't keep giving him the emotional, mental, spiritual & physical support, if he doesn't know how to reciprocate it back to her. Learning to love yourself first, will give you the ability to love someone else correctly.
Dear Men,
The truth is, your unhealed pain silently shapes the dynamic of your relationship. While you might strive to be the perfect partner, a good woman knows nobody is perfect. We're not asking for perfection from you. All we want a trying man, that's willing to sit down & talk about the issues without either person pointing fingers or blaming each other. Talking out the issues helps us both come to a healthy resolution & solution. But your defenses, bitterness & resentment from the past will build walls that can make it very difficult for those you love to truly reach you. When you shut down on your partner, you unintentionally shut out the love & connection that could help both of you heal properly.
Understand that when you avoid facing your inner wounds, you allow them to dictate how you interact with your partner. This isn’t because you don’t care about them, it's because your emotional armor is still intact & it's preventing you from truly being present in the relationship. Women can sense this absence & it often leaves them feeling isolated, even when you’re physically there.
It's important to realize that this isn't about blaming you. You may have been taught to suppress your feelings, to "man up" or "put on a brave face". But holding it all in doesn’t make you stronger — it makes you fragile. Your unresolved trauma can manifest as defensiveness, as a reluctance to trust or open up fully. Over time, this behavior starts to drain the closet people around you, especially the woman who longs for your vulnerability & presence.
Her exhaustion isn’t just physical, it’s emotional & mental too. She’s carrying the weight of trying to reach you, to understand you, while you silently suffer inside. Every time you withdraw, she’s left to wonder if she's doing something wrong. This cycle can lead to confusion, resentment & emotional depletion on both sides.
What you don’t realize is that your pain doesn’t have to define your relationship. You don’t have to stay in the role of the nice guy who retreats into himself when the pressure is too much. Healing requires courage — the courage to face the past, to confront the emotions you’ve been avoiding. It means allowing yourself to feel, to express & to be real with the one you love.
She wants to see the real you, the raw, unguarded version of you. The man who is willing to heal, to be vulnerable & to embrace the true power of emotional intimacy. When you do this, you not only give her the love she deserves but you also create safe space for your own healing. It creates a beautiful cycle of mutual support & understanding that can transform both of you into better versions of yourselves.
The healing journey isn’t easy for anyone, but it’s necessary & worth taking. Start small — acknowledge your feelings, take responsibility for your triggers & seek the support or guidance you need. Surround yourself with people who encourage your growth & most importantly, allow yourself the grace to heal at your own pace.
As you heal, you’ll figure out that your relationship has become more fulfilling. No longer will you have to hide behind a facade of being the "nice guy." Instead, you'll be the man who is strong because he is whole, a man who gives love freely because he has learned to give love to himself first.
Dear Men,
This is your time to stop running from the very thing that holds the power to set you free. Let go of the past, open your heart & let the healing begin. It won’t happen overnight, but with each step forward, you’ll become more of the man you were always meant to be.
Embrace your vulnerability & watch how it transforms not just your relationship but your entire life. You have the strength to heal & in doing so, you can bring healing to the woman you love too.
Side Note Fellas: The right woman won't make you feel like your feelings don't matter or that you have to hide them away from her. She will support your growth & vulnerability. The connection will feel magical & like something that you've never experienced before. So if you're with a woman that doesn't like that you express your vulnerability to her, then I'm sorry to say this but you're not with the right one. Because a good woman cares about the entire well-being of her partner.
