Monday, July 26, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I am a bit bipolar

The harder I try, the harder it seems to be to keep a live where I am keeping my inner peace.  I know this sounds crazy but I want that happy feeling.  I don't want medication but I struggle with it.  I still feel anxious alot.  I feel OK but not great, not sad most days but I want to get past just feeling OK. 
I just want to tell someone my phobias and they tell me how to fix them and make the go away  :-(
Somedays, I feel so good but other days, I just want to come home at night and drink more wine than I should than feel like crap the next day.  This is what I want to run away from.  I want to feel even.  I want to actually enjoy the stuff  I am doing and get away from the negative office I work in.  I know I can but I think it all boils back to fear and the need of security  :-(

As the marriage is coming closer also, I am feeling more anxious.  I think that is my whole dreaded fear of being committed or abandoned. 

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